Glenn Dean wrote:והיה כי יעקב בעבר הנהר וילחם אישׁ עמו כל־הלילה עד הבקר
וְהָיָה is used for the
future. The past is
וַיְהִי, and there's no
כִּי after it. The time structure is set up by (1) the infinitive construct with or without
וַיְהִי and (2) the vav-consecutive.
The infinitive construct needs to be followed by its subject. So, the literal statement would be "and it happened in/as passing Jacob..." That is,
וַיְהִי כַּעֲבֹר יַעֲקֹב.
If we use
נִלְחַם, I would assume that weapons were involved. That is, they fought as in a battle. That isn't the case here, so the better word would be
נֶאֱבַק, which would take its vav-consecutive as
וַיֵּאָבֵק. The idea is that they were struggling or wrestling with each other.
Glenn Dean wrote:ויאמר האישׁ אלו שׁלח אתי כי אני מלאך אלהים
It's OK to write
אֵלָו (it appears five times in the Bible), but it will give a tendency toward pronunciation errors, since it will be read as
elo by accident. It should be written
אֵלָיו (with yod).
It would be nice to have vowels included with שלח to show that we understand that it is piel
שַׁלֵּחַ or
שַׁלַּח and not qal
שְׁלַח. At least those verbs should be vocalized.
Glenn Dean wrote:ויאמר יעקב אל אשׁלח אתך עד־אשׁר תברך אתי
Negation of the indicative mood is with
לֹא. This isn't a cohortative. It's a simple statement. "I will not let you go." So, it should be
לֹא אֲשַׁלַּח, and the pointing is important to distinguish between qal (
אֶשְׁלַח) and piel (
אֲשַׁלֵּחַ or
אֲשַׁלַּח).
Since the blessing is seen as completed when Jacob releases the angel, it should probably be in the perfect. "I will not let you go
until you have blessed me." So, it should be
בֵּרַ֫כְתָּ. This is also what is seen in the text of Genesis.
Glenn Dean wrote:ויברך המלאך אתו וישׁלח יעקב אתו
The direct object with pronominal suffix needs to intervene between the verb and the subject. It should be specifically in the order ויברך אתו המלאך (sounds natural) rather than ויברך המלאך אתו (sounds really awkward). The same with the second phrase. It's just something about the syntax that it intervenes in these situations.
I hope that I'm not being too critical. When you're at the composition stage, the details are where you find the devil. It's our job to seek out the little bugger and get him out of there!